The VHS Vicarage

As an artifact for cultural anthropologists specializing in the early 1990s, or a source for a dissertation on the lengths to which puritanical US horndogs of the time would go in order to clothe their spank material as almost ANYTHING else, the recent MVD Entertainment release of SCREAM QUEENS DOUBLE FEATURE: SWIMSUIT SENSATIONS and KNOCKOUT WORKOUT might have some scholarly value. As a mass-release horror-related DVD being put out in the internet porn-saturated landscape of 2010, however, I find it a little baffling.

What we have here are two short videos—“Swimsuit Sensations” (1992) is an hour long, and “Knockout Workout” (1992) clocks in at half that. These are not narrative films—they are interview segments with three ladies who might have worked in a horror film at some point in their careers, talking about their bland backgrounds and periodically “exercising.”

Really, that’s it.

For horror pedigree, the highest card in the deck is the presence of Night of the Living Dead co-creator John A. Russo behind the camera. Russo “directs” both shows with all the style and flash of a public access intern, producing only talking-head, snooze-worthy interview segments, slow-tracking exercise vignettes, and montages of glossy cheesecake snapshots of the girls. Yes, he films STILL PHOTOS. A lot.

As for the “scream queens”—the only one I recognized was Melissa Moore, and that only because I have another movie from the distribution company (the MUCH more excellent Scream Dream [1989]—soon to be reviewed on MMMMMovies) in which she features. Then there’s Jasae (a female wrestler and nude model) and Veronica Carothers, neither of whose resumes rang any bells. (Though I am intrigued by Jasae’s 1999 effort, The Barefoot Alien 2: The Foot Erotic. An art film, perhaps?)

As for exercise, Moore leads us through some yoga poses and lifts weights, Jasae performs an aerobic step routine, and I can’t remember what Carothers did because I must have left the room by that point. And no, we see no clips of their “horror” films, and talk about them is limited to one or two sentences in otherwise achingly dull interviews.

So that’s Swimsuit Sensations. What about Knockout Workout? Well, good news! It’s a pared down version of the EXACT SAME PROGRAM, focusing more on the “exercise” portions and using a few alternate audio clips. You know, in case you missed the nuances in the first one.

As throwaway late night cable ephemera from the early 90s, this is all harmless enough. But a DVD release? Why? What is the audience? John Russo completists? Legions of rabid, unsatisfied Jasae fans out there clamoring for more? Wii Fit enthusiasts desperate for a different stepping routine? The mind wobbles.

Anyway, this is not a movie, and it’s not horror, and it’s not very interesting. I’ll give it 0.5 thumbs as a curiosity, but only for the EXTREMELY curious.

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